How to Play Snow Football

1. Wake up. (Your spouse should do this by mentioning that it has started to snow.)

2. Tell your 11 year old that it will stop snowing in 20 minutes.This will (falsely) reassure her that the 6th grader/teacher kickball game will occur as scheduled.

3. An hour and a half later, realize that it has not stopped snowing. Look at the children's picnic table. See 2 inches of heavy,wet snow.

4. Look at your fruit trees. Think about how sad you were when a late storm snapped the branches on your (then) new apricot tree 2 years ago. (Don't bother thinking about how the same storm snapped a branch on the front yard maple, causing it to fall on your sister's car. All that is no more than water under the bridge.)

5. Decide to go shake the fruit trees off.

6. Put on a coat. (This is important. Snow will fall on you.) Put on your gloves. (This is not so important. Snow will melt all over them and into them, and they will soon be very, very wet. And so will your hands.)

7. Shake off the fruit trees.

8. Decide to shake off the front yard maple.

9. Realize that the front yard maple is very old and very, very big.There is no way you can shake the trunk and, even burdened with snow as they are, all but 1 of the branches are out of your reach.

10. Go downstairs. Get a football. (Also a small, light-weight basketball that is about 5 inches in diameter, if you have one.)

11. Take the ball(s) outside. Throw them at the tree. Knock down very little snow.

12. Look at the neighbor's maple. It is smaller than yours, but it's leaves are a lot bigger (it's a Norway maple, and yours is a Silver maple). Go shake the snow off your neighbor's tree. Consider this half-time.

13. Start throwing the football at the tree again. You will feel silliest if you throw it up underhanded, closing your eyes and hoping for the best. It will usually miss the tree completely. But if you look up while throwing, you will invariably get a bunch of snow in your face.

14. Decide that you have done your best. Go into the house and start writing about how to play snow football.

15. Hear the fireworks celebrating the other team's win. Realize immediately that the cracking noises you hear are not fireworks, but the sound of maple branches falling onto YOUR car.

16. *Sigh* Remember why you don't like this game very much.

17. Go outside 30 minutes later and do it all again. Time for some cocoa. And some Russian Tea Cake cookies wouldn't come amiss, either.